I’m Still Learning my Native Languages at 24
For the longest time, I thought about how I couldn't speak my parents’ native languages. It's honestly kind of a letdown and disappointment that I was not able to pick up any of the four languages that my parents speak: their native dialect (Hokkien/Teochew), Mandarin, Cantonese, and Vietnamese. On top of that, when they came to America, they learned English.
And I only know how to speak one of them. Well, two. Maybe three? It's hard to say.
The point is I can only speak one language well (and even then, I still mess up my English grammar).
As I grew older, I felt ashamed and disappointed in myself for not being able to speak. Even though I was able to go to Chinese school growing up, and even though I heard my parents speak Mandarin and Cantonese interchangeably all the time, I was disappointed in my younger self for not taking the initiative to learn and soak in the words and conversations that were happening around me.
Monday through Friday at one school, Saturday at the other.
For the longest time, I felt like I could only blame myself for not being able to speak the language, but as I grew older and started taking ethnic studies classes in university, I began to notice the external factors and other forces at play. In the 2000s, the No Child Left Behind Act affected many bilingual education programs and emphasized testing and placing children in ELL/ESL (English Language Learning/English as a Second Language) programs.
Specifically, in California, Proposition 227, largely funded by Rob Unz who spent 1.2 million dollars on the ballot initiative, required that public school instruction be conducted in English, impacting English learners receiving instruction in bilingual programs and sending a message to students, parents, and staff: to succeed, you must learn English. At the time the proposition was passed in 1998, civil rights groups, such as the Mexican American Legal Defense and Educational Fund (MALDEF) and the Asian Pacific American Legal Center, filed a class action lawsuit in federal court but were ultimately unsuccessful. Although in 2016, Proposition 58 was signed to implement bilingual programs again in California, the damage from Proposition 227 and the No Child Left Behind Act had already been done.
In elementary school, I have a faint memory of a paper form we were asked to fill out to write down what languages we spoke at home. I remember a sense of pride writing down Chinese on that sheet of paper, only for it to be met with a parent-teacher conference about my answer. For my parents, there was a fear that their children would never assimilate, their children would fall behind in school, and never catch up with their peers. It's the confusion of seeing your child potentially be considered for ESL classes and having to argue with their teacher:
My kid speaks English.
2000s elementary school report card — notice the English Language Learner (ELL) program checkbox
It's the innocence of childhood. Of not knowing why parents hold on to their native language so much, and why it is so important to them. It’s only natural that parents want to feel attached to their kids, to feel connected to them, and to be able to connect with them. But for many families, as time goes on, maybe it’s hard to keep it up. After a long day of work, it’s tiring to argue with the kids about what language to speak. Instead, silence fills the dinner table. It's easier not to say anything.
But recently, over the last one to two years, I’ve been adopting more of a growth mentality. Every day, I’m learning more and more about the world around me, whether it’s something about myself (I hate standstill traffic), something about my friends (I’m so thankful for them), or the world around me (nobody has life figured out). I realized that it's never too late to learn. Language learning is a lifelong process, and it involves being able to immerse yourself in the language. It means taking the extra time to understand and to be comfortable with the unknown, with making mistakes, and being patient with yourself.
At the same time, this means unlearning narratives and stories we tell ourselves about our associations with language. It can either be a childhood experience where other children teased you for not knowing your native language, or even your family and friends who tell you you can’t speak properly. Why is there an all-or-nothing mentality when it comes to language? Whether you’re practicing reading a newspaper or you keep messing up counting to 10, acknowledge that you’re making an effort to improve, and that is perfectly acceptable.
Recently, I had a conversation with a friend who mentioned her fear of passing down language to her children. How can we continue to pass down the languages we already struggle to speak with our parents? There is a fear of losing language, of losing culture, of losing ties with the generation before.
I couldn’t help but think about this liminal space we live in. There is a narrative we’re forced to consume. I don’t think we have to balance between living in two worlds, trying to fit in, or pleasing others. Clinging so hard to the past but not allowing ourselves to assimilate. Because it doesn’t have to be one or the other. There’s this narrative told to us over and over again that we start to believe it. So often we try to conform and fit this mold, the expectations of others, but we are enough the way we are. Knowing how to speak a language, speaking a language poorly, or learning to speak a language later in life: none of these dictate anything about your worth or value.
Maybe just as the succeeding generations changed after the first, it’s okay for cultures to change. Our culture is melding and becoming anew. It means being creative and working with other communities to come up with something new (hello, fusion food…). It can mean accepting how the people of our past have paved the way for us now, and in turn, how we can/should pave the way for the future generation. Change is inevitable. But it doesn’t have to be scary. Don’t be confined to what is expected of you. I encourage you to create something new.
Read more about Proposition 227 here:
NPR “The Return Of Bilingual Education In California?” (2016)
PBS “Battle of bilingual education once again brewing in California” (2016)
