summer house and the betrayal of dating your friend's ex

The term “girl’s girl” has been brought up excessively within the past few years. Because of my television-catered social media algorithm, I see it primarily used by the media to dissect the friendships between women, such as in Sex and the City to Love Island. Its use is tossed around so frivolously that its meaning has become diluted. But I believe at its root that it means to appreciate, see, love, and support the women around you, as a woman yourself. And who doesn’t want to do that?

This concept became top of mind for me when one of my comfort reality TV shows, Summer House, had its own scandal that plagued my For You page. Stars Amanda Batula had begun secretly dating West Wilson, the ex of Ciara Miller, who was long-term friends with Amanda.

Joint statement from Amanda Batula and West Wilson confirming relationship

I remember sitting on my close friend's couch reading the joint statement confirming the relationship between Amanda and West, letting out the loudest gasp, to the point of my friend asking if something happened to me. As a seasoned Summer House fan, I refused to believe the speculation of romance between the costars that had been leading up to the statement. Vanderpump Rules was the show for backstabbing, social-climbing friends with numerous infidelity scandals, while Summer House was its much more chill party-loving cousin. Think of Summer House as the bougie Jersey Shore, trading in the Jersey boardwalks for the Hamptons beaches.

A long-running staple of the show was the friendship between several women on the cast including Ciara and Amanda. Scenes from seasons past would show the women giggling in bed, gossiping about fellow cast members, and being each other's shoulder to cry on. I was moved by their genuine support for one another in starting businesses, vulnerability about their mental health, and the constant reassurance they gave one another that their personal worth went far beyond their romantic relationships. On this latest season, we saw Ciara offering Amanda a room in her NYC apartment as Amanda goes through her separation with her then-husband Kyle Cooke, and being a source of comfort in the demise of her marriage. The finale culminates in Amanda and Ciara tearfully expressing their love for one another and the importance they have in each other's lives.

Paige DeSorbo, Ciara Miller, Amanda Batula

I always admired and saw myself in aspects of Ciara. I had never seen anyone speak so candidly of having an incredibly rocky relationship with their family as I do, and the loneliness that accompanies it. Similarly to Ciara, my friends took the mantle on becoming who I would consider to be my family. Being gay, it’s very important for me to have a community of queer women around me that I trust and rely on as if they were my family. My friends have seen me at my lowest, answering anxiety-induced phone calls and coming to my house on a moment's notice with no questions asked. They may call me out for questionable behavior, but it’s honesty and coming from a place of compassion. I never once felt like a bother to my friends or misunderstood. I felt seen and cared for. The holidays I once spent alone are now filled with friends that I love.

That's why watching the tearful “I love yous” Amanda and Ciara exchanged felt heartbreaking. These weren’t reality tv costars, they were friends with six years of history together. As a viewer, I was only privy to their summer's broadcast on Bravo, but it was evident the love Ciara felt towards Amanda. In what should’ve been a sweet moment of love between friends is clouded by betrayal. How could Ciara be so supportive of Amanda for leaving her toxic marriage, uplifting her time and time again, only to throw their years-long bond away to go to happy hour with that same man that caused her heartbreak?

West, Amanda, Ciara

By the time the three-part reunion premiered, it was evident that Amanda didn’t think twice about betraying Ciara.

 “You can’t help who you like!” Amanda pleaded in part one. 

What makes this even more sinister is that Amanda was using Ciara’s own words back at her. During Season 10, Ciara expressed this exact expression when tearfully explaining the backlash she received from viewers regarding the interracial relationships she was in during her run on the show, specifically her relationship with West: “Yeah, I guess if I could help it, I would. But you can’t help who you love. You can’t help who you are attracted to sometimes.”

The reunion was incredibly frustrating to watch as Ciara tearfully expressed her hurt, while Amanda stared blankly back, looking half asleep. 

“West was there for me all summer—” Amanda began. 

“And where was I?!” Ciara rebutted. 

Did Ciara’s support through Amanda’s divorce mean nothing to her? Or did West’s support mean more because he was a man, and Amanda prioritizes validation from a man over friendship with a woman? Not very girl’s girl.

Ciara would repeatedly bring up how her biggest issue with the men she dates is that they only saw her for her physical looks, but never saw for who she is as a person. I believe the exact same sentiment is true for Amanda. Her lack of remorse and awareness of Ciara’s pain revealed the truth of how she really sees her in the context of her own life.

“You're special and you're so beautiful. And you're important and your voice matters,” Ciara spoke as she tearfully looked into Amanda’s eyes in the Summer House finale. 

Ciara wore her heart on her sleeve in her friendship with Amanda in a way that inspired me. She saw Amanda and loved her. I hope Ciara doesn’t regret her friendship with Amanda despite it all. There is nothing shameful about showing up for your friends wholeheartedly - it takes an incredible sense of trust, loyalty, and [platonic] love when deciding to be an active supporter in people’s lives. The courage to display these qualities - regardless of the reality of possibly being hurt in the process -  is admirable, and we need to remind ourselves that being vulnerable no matter the consequences is all organically part of the human condition.